Originally published July 19, 2021, in Mind Cafe

Note: This is a longer rant based on my Instagram post from the other day. Hope you enjoy :)

What does “success” mean to you?

To some of us, it means triumph, exploitation, and the assertion of dominance. To some of us, success just means everything. I don't know about you, but I’m fed up with my identity based on my ability to produce work, win things, or make money. I’m sick of trying to be perfect because I fail at it every time. I’m sick of the “win or die” mindset.

You probably won’t believe it when I say it, but I don’t care if I succeed or fail anymore. I’m burnt out of my own expectations. If the self is an illusion, I want to make my illusion easier to deal with.

It’s not that I want to fail, but I’ve begun to realize that my ego’s intense attachment to results is one of the biggest obstacles holding me back from being happy while pursuing success.

I’ve got a lot of experience with “I’ll be happy when…” syndrome, and these are the principles that are leading the way in my recovery.

Have Fewer Desires

In Buddhist philosophy, one of the central teachings is to remove desire from your life.

In theory, I think that the removal of desire is a central key to happiness and contentment. However, I also believe that as a human being, I can’t help but have desires. Sorry, Buddha. I’ve written before about how I’m a terrible Buddhist, and part of it is probably my intense desires. When you rip away all the bullshit, I’m a spoiled brat who wants to be a world champion, and I’ll do whatever it takes to get there.

That being said, one can still adopt selfless, Buddhist ideas into their life even without completely removing desire — even a desire-obsessed brat like me. The application of philosophy does not have to be all or nothing. Having fewer desires is better than having too many, and you’ll probably be more successful than someone who has “no desire”.

The biggest goal in my life is to be a high-level black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. This goal encompasses a lot of my time and it takes the life out of me physically and emotionally. I’m obsessed with training, studying, competing, and improving at this sport. It’s my strongest desire.

Apart from the sport, I now have very few desires. Really, all I want outside of Jiu-Jitsu success is love, health, and writing. Even these might be “too many” desires, but the point is I’m not really interested in having 6 cars, building a Fortune 500 company, or becoming famous on TikTok. As my desire decreases, my happiness increases.

To paraphrase Buddhism, desire is the route of all suffering. To limit desire therefore will limit suffering.

Have a Healthy Relationship with Desire

Though I’ve admitted that I still have desires, that doesn’t mean that these desires can all encompass my identity. Having a performance-based identity is the spiritual equivalent of having too many desires. If you have fewer desires but your desires are too strong, you still will be unhappy.

I first learned this lesson when I had my first major sports injury a few years ago. At the time, my entire life was based on winning Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu matches and tournaments. Nothing else — I mean nothing else — mattered. I trained 6–7 days per week, 2–3 times per day. Yet, it wasn’t the hard work that burned me out, it was the intense desire. I was unhappy pretty much every moment of every day, except when I was winning and satisfying my desire.

Because of my all-encompassing focus on Jiu-Jitsu, I was actually getting worse at the sport due to the incredibly rigid expectations of success I was placing on myself. I believed that because I was working so hard, I deserved success more and I deserved it faster than anyone else.

The obsession with my own skill development forced my progress to stall. The desire stopped my growth.

I think this is the real reason that writers are often encouraged to “live interesting lives”. You need a life outside of writing not only to “give you stuff to write about”, but also to keep you sane. You’re not just a writer, martial artist, or whatever other labels you attach to the things you do. You’re a person, first and foremost.

The stronger you desire something, the more elusive it becomes.

Chase Healthy Perfection

If the only thing motivating you to succeed is glory, titles, or money, you’re probably also on a slippery slope to burnout and frustration. Though we talk about how “life is short” all the time, life is really long as hell, especially if you spend that time in discomfort and personal anguish.

The result of the obsession with success is that your desire to “not fail” will become stronger than your desire to succeed. This stagnant mindset stalls technical and competitive progress, regardless of skill or domain.

There will always be another tournament to win, another business to start, or another girl to chase. If that dopamine hit from “winning” is your only source of motivation, you’re going to miss out on so much of what life has to offer.

The truth is, how you win is just as important as if you win. The more time I spend competing in Jiu-Jitsu, the less my goals are able to be based solely on gold medals or getting my hand raised. Nowadays, I’m focused on displaying my hard work each time I compete by executing my jiu-jitsu as perfectly as possible. I’m not married to perfection, but I am thrilled to keep striving.

This goal has made all the difference in decreasing my anxiety surrounding my sport, my future, and my perspective on life. A true growth mindset combines the flow of abundance with the persistence of scarcity. This is where greatness is born.

Closing Thoughts

Success is elusive. It’s really hard to get good at stuff. There are a thousand reasons for all of us to fail, and very few reasons to succeed. “Happiness” or “victory” might sound easy to me, but to someone who’s depressed or who’s never won anything, this is probably obnoxious and privileged advice.

I’m not saying that everyone has to be a winner or even that everyone can be a winner. I don’t know about life, but in martial arts tournaments, only one person gets to stand on the top of the podium.

I’ve been on the top of the podium, the bottom, and not on it at all, and all of these experiences have made me realize that it’s not even about the podium, it’s about how you get there that makes you grow. If you win a championship by stalling, exploiting the rules, or cheating, you might get a gold medal and feel validated, but you won’t grow. You might make a few bucks, but people can see through lies easier than you think.

Life isn’t about the chase to the top, it’s about living well. Happiness isn't about competition, it’s about philosophy and connection.

Other Articles Published In the Last 7 Days

3 Mindset Tricks That Will Make You Physically Stronger

Self-Care Is Not All You Can Eat

The Yin and Yang of Peak Performance

Creative Flow Is Located at the Intersection of Abundance and Scarcity

5 Quotes on Victory

"You cannot expect victory and plan for defeat." — Joel Osteen

"Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity." — Horace Mann

"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is over self." — Aristotle

"If you can react the same way to winning and losing, that's a big accomplishment." — Chris Evert

"If you're confused about what to do, it's a sign that your enemy is winning." — Toba Beta

As always, if you enjoyed what you read, please share, tell your friends, or reshare the article from Medium. It helps me more than you know.

Wishing you the best,

—Chris

The Grappler's Diary

How You Win Is More Important Than if You Win